A Time of Honor and Remembrance

It is no small thing to give life.

To feel the kick of tiny feet.

To know that no matter how far apart you are,

there will always be someone out there

with whom you are connected.

To be a mother is to love,

to nurture,

to care.

To be a mother means to give your children the chance to be.

Birthmothers hold a very special place in the community of mothers.

On Mother's Day especially, we deserve to be honored for all we have done for our children.

For the love we will always have for them.

For the place that is theirs alone in our hearts.

We begin by honoring each other.

For most birthmothers, Mother's Day is a day tinged with sadness and shame. Whether out of indifference or deliberate intent, family , friends and society in general often does not recognize our experience of motherhood. Many birthmothers feel that they do not have the right to be acknowledged on Mother's Day.

Each of us deals with the difficulties of Mother's Day in different ways. For some, a quiet day with sympathetic friends is most helpful, while others keep the pain and heartache of the day to themselves. A few, myself included, have come to use Mother's Day as a means of educating people, reminding others that this is a special day for birthmothers too.

A group of Seattle area birthmothers, in an effort not only to educate, but more importantly, to honor and remember, decided to create Birthmother's Day. The first gathering, on the Saturday before Mother's Day 1990, brought together birthmothers and supportive family and friends. One of the founders, Mary Jean Marsh, says that the Saturday before Mother's Day "seemed especially appropriate as our motherhood came before and foreshadows the motherhood of another."

Birthmother's Day is now commemorated all over the country. As the word spreads, more and more groups are organizing their own ceremonies. It is becoming the way for birthmothers to proclaim their motherhood, and for those who love and support then, to honor and remember their role as lifegivers.

To begin their new tradition, the birthmothers in Seattle felt that they needed to do more than simply gather together. They decided to create a ceremony that would not only give voice to their loss, but honor to the sacrifices they have made as well. It was to be a time of healing, as well as a time for respect.

Personally I have come to see that Birth Mother's day and Mother's Day honor two very different parts of my experience as a birthmother. It is a bittersweet week-end for me. So, on Saturday, I attend a Birth Mother's Day celebration so that I may have a place to acknowledge and honor the struggles, pain and on-going losses I feel connected to losing my son to adoption. On Sunday, I enjoy the Mother's Day celebrations I have with my son and his parents (as well as the children I am parenting) to honor my place as his "other mother".  

Ultimately, it is not really a question of how we celebrate and remember our experience of motherhood, but that we do it in the first place. For too long we have been silent, accepting the view that in relinquishing our rights to parent, that our experiences in giving birth, and mothering our children those first few precious days, never happened.

To be a mother is to love, to nurture, to care. Before we were ever "birthmothers" we were mothers. And we still are.  We have entered into the community of mothers by virtue of our love, by nurturing our children their first nine months of life, by caring for them enough to place them into the hands of another who could give them what we could not. Our experience of mothering, while not complete, is as valid as our children's adoptive mothers. Entrusting the adoptive mother with our role as parent does not negate all that has come before. That is what we need to remember and celebrate, in whatever way choose.

-Brenda Romanchik

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