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Long-Distance Open Adoption: Making the Visit

Building a friendship across the miles is never easy. Friends need time to just "be" with each other, to talk about everything and nothing, to learn from just being together. When birthparents and adoptive parents live a long way from one another, finding the time to be with one another can be a problem. Finding the time is important, however, because true friendships - those that inspire trust, honesty and acceptance - require time to grow.

When visits are rare, they are often seen as "special events" and treated accordingly. Both birthparents and adoptive parents tend to fill the calendar with activities, such as sightseeing trips, leaving little free time. While over-planning lessens the anxiety of "what we’re going to do," it does not provide a relaxed atmosphere that encourages conversation and lets friendships thrive. Too much activity is also not good for babies and toddlers, and when baby’s not happy, nobody’s happy.

Also, take care not to use the long distances between you and the adoptive family as an excuse not to visit.

Miles definitely limit your ability to visit, but as your child gets older, he or she may feel real disappointment that you could not be there for important events, such as dance recitals or school plays. In times of joy and sorrow, the most important thing a person can do is be there.

What can you do to build the friendship and show your love and support when visits are rare? One thing you can do is send lots of cards and letters. Another thing you can do is call. Ask the adoptive parents what times are best to call and be aware that as your child grows that schedules are going to change. If you or the adoptive parents don’t like to talk on the phone, keep it short and sweet. This also helps cut long distance bills.

Before calling, write down any questions you have or things you want to say. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten things and needed to call Matt’s parents back. Talk about embarrassing! This will also help you if you start getting nervous and are looking for things to say.

If your visits must be short, try to make them meaningful. Here are a few tips:

• Plan your visit around one special activity. If possible, try to schedule it for an important event in the child’s life. I’ve been able to arrange short visits to coincide with a pre-school open house and a violin recital. These visits were short, but meaningful.
• Look at pictures together. You can learn a lot about the adoptive family’s extended family and friends by looking at pictures and listening to stories.
• Play games. Games help break the ice and get people laughing. Older kids will welcome being able to play a game with a birthparent, and adoptive parents will welcome getting a break from playing yet another round of "Chutes and Ladders."
• Be a good guest. If you are staying with the adoptive parents, bring something with you (bake something, bring some fruit, etc.) Remember the other children in the home, and offer to help out with the cooking and cleaning. Respect the adoptive family’s schedule as much as possible.

Remember: the idea is not to pack your visits with things to do. Rather, the goal should be to make the visits as meaningful as possible.

Brenda Romanchik

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Copyright 2001-2010 Insight - last updated March 31, 2010

Brenda Romanchik ~ 248-543-0997 ~ brenr@openadoptioninsight.org