Open Adoption Resources and Support


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Looking For The Perfect Gift?

Nowhere are there more misunderstandings, in any relationship (not just open adoption relationships) than gift giving. This is partly due to the fact that no one likes to talk about it. Rarely do you hear people say... “this is the kind of gift I like” or “You can expect gifts from me on this and this holiday.” What we no doubt have heard are remarks like “Can you believe she bought me that?!?” or “Get a load of this!!” or, most sadly, “I didn't even get a card from them.”

The fact is is that many people use gift giving as a gauge. When they get gifts that are uniquely them, they feel known. That's because gift-giving is an art that requires us to listen to the other person, to think about their needs or desires, and to act accordingly. It is also about giving a bit of ourselves. In her book Gifts From The Heart, Cynthia Whitney Ward writes: “Over time, I have come to admire those who can imbue a gift with a bit of themselves, so that it is the giving, rather than the gift, becomes the true treasure.”

We've all experienced that joy of a gift given in love. My most precious gift came from my daughter when she was just four years old. Shortly before Christmas we were talking about Christmas presents and she asked me what my favorite present was when I was a child. I told her about my Thumbelina doll, a doll I loved with my whole heart from the moment I saw her. Unfortunately, I told her, my doll was lost. I had no idea what had happened to her. Later that evening she took my husband aside and told him that she wanted to get me a doll like the one that I had lost. On Christmas morning I unwrapped a doll that looked nothing like the doll I lost, but one that is infinitely more dear to me because of the spirit in which it was given.

In open adoption, gift giving has all the joys and pitfalls as in our other relationships, but there are a few areas that are especially tricky because we enter into a fairly emotionally loaded relationship without the knowing that comes from time together and shared experiences. To avoid misunderstandings I think it is important that birthfamilies and adoptive families talk a little about what role they want gift giving to play. As awkward as this sounds, it is certainly not as awkward a situation as going to a party and coming with more gifts than all the other guests combined.

For many birthparents, and often their extended family, this tendency toward what I call The Santa syndrome can be avoided if reasonable rules are discussed right up front. These rules do not have to be painful or limiting, in fact they can call out a creative part of ourselves. As a new birthmother, I wanted to avoid the Santa Syndrome at all costs. It was decided, I can't remember by who, that a nice idea would be to get Matthew an ornament every year for a Christmas gift. This certainly put a cap on how much I could spend, a blessing to me at that time as I did not have a lot to spend. It also made the selection of the gift something I put a lot of thought into..... and still do. I choose his ornament carefully, often getting him something that reflects something special we did that year. A memory in a box. When his sister joined the family, I continued this with her. This simple gift has now expanded into a tradition I cherish. For the past few years we now get together before Christmas and decorate the tree together. Between Matthew and his sister, we have a lot of stories to tell, and memories that we share, brought to life by a simple Christmas ornament.

Adoptive parents are also in a bind. The fact that many adoptive couples are more financially well off than the birthparents creates a double bind. On one hand they can afford expensive gifts, on the other hand they worry about creating a feeling of obligation in the birthparents to reciprocate.

Limits allow us the freedom from this kind of worry. There are many birthparents who have started similar collections like the ornament idea. Many adoptive parents have learned that gifts the kids make are more than welcomed by birthparents, in fact they are some of our most precious possessions. Many of us regard our children's hand print as a minor miracle. While it is a bit impractical for adoptive parents to send us their dirty walls, it is important to remember that poster paint works just as well. There are also keepsake plaster handprint kits. Some open adoption families have a dollar limit they adhere to. Others, the more creative ones I might add, keep the gifts among the adults homemade as a way of keeping things under control.

It is important that we all remember that some of our most important gifts are those we can not wrap up in paper. As trite as it sounds, a child is going to remember his birthparents by the little piece of their hearts that he knows is his. By the way they talk to him, in the time they spend with him, in the way they laugh at his silly jokes...even if it is the fiftieth time they've heard it. He is going to remember the gift his adoptive parents gave him in welcoming his birthfamily into his life. In seeing them treat his birthparents with respect, in caring about them because he is a part of them too. In the words of my mother," Sometimes the greatest gift we can give is just showing up." And I would add "and getting along".

Here are a few more suggestions:

Birthparent's Jewelry - For a very special occasion. Giving the birthparent a ring, necklace or earrings with the child's birthstone is a beautiful way for adoptive parents to let them know they are special in the life of the child.

Baby Books - Many birthparents give the adoptive parents baby books. There is something very special about getting a baby book from birthparents. It conveys the message to adoptive parents that they are the child's parents now.

Photo Albums - No matter who does the giving of this one, giving a photo album is giving a piece of your heart. It also brings with it the promise to stay in touch and share more pictures.

Anything the child makes. - Go to the craft store and browse. There are tons of "kits" a child as young as three can make.

Duplication Policy - Articles, stories, poems and other written materials can be copied for one-time personal use only. Professionals who wish to use these articles in their practice must contact Brenda Romanchik at 248-543-0997 for more information. All materials on this site hold copyrights and cannot be used without permission.


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Brenda Romanchik ~ 248-543-0997 ~ brenr@openadoptioninsight.org